You ladies of merry England
Who have been to kiss the Duchess's hand,
Pray, did you not lately observe in the show
A noble Italian called Signior Dildo?
This signior was one of the Duchess's train
And helped to conduct her over the main;
But now she cries out, 'To the Duke I will go,
I have no more need for Signior Dildo.'
At the Sign of the Cross in St James's Street,
When next you go thither to make yourselves sweet
By buying of powder, gloves, essence, or so,
You may chance to get a sight of Signior Dildo.
You would take him at first for no person of note,
Because he appears in a plain leather coat,
But when you his virtuous abilities know,
You'll fall down and worship Signior Dildo.
My Lady Southesk, heaven prosper her for't,
First clothed him in satin, then brought him to court;
But his head in the circle he scarcely durst show,
So modest a youth was Signior Dildo.
The good Lady Suffolk, thinking no harm,
Had got this poor stranger hid under her arm.
Lady Betty by chance came the secret to know
And from her own mother stole Signior Dildo.
The Countess of Falmouth, of whom people tell
Her footmen wear shirts of a guinea an ell,
Might save that expense, if she did but know
How lusty a swinger is Signior Dildo.
By the help of this gallant the Countess of Rafe
Against the fierce Harris preserved herself safe;
She stifled him almost beneath her pillow,
So closely she embraced Signior Dildo.
The pattern of virtue, Her Grace of Cleveland,
Has swallowed more pricks than the ocean has sand;
But by rubbing and scrubbing so wide does it grow,
It is fit for just nothing but Signior Dildo.
Our dainty fine duchesses have got a trick
To dote on a fool for the sake of his prick,
The fops were undone did their graces but know
The discretion and vigour of Signior Dildo.
The Duchess of Modena, though she looks so high,
With such a gallant is content to lie,
And for fear that the English her secrets should know,
For her gentleman usher took Signior Dildo.
The Countess o' th' Cockpit (who knows not her name?
She's famous in story for a killing dame),
When all her old lovers forsake her, I trow,
She'll then be contented with Signior Dildo.
Red Howard, Red Sheldon, and Temple so tall
Complain of his absence so long from Whitehall.
Signior Barnard has promised a journey to go
And bring back his countryman, Signior Dildo.
Doll Howard no longer with His Highness must range,
And therefore is proferred this civil exchange:
Her teeth being rotten, she smells best below,
And needs must be fitted for Signior Dildo.
St Albans with wrinkles and smiles in his face,
Whose kindness to strangers becomes his high place,
In his coach and six horses is gone to Bergo
To take the fresh air with Signior Dildo.
Were this signior but known to the citizen fops,
He'd keep their fine wives from the foremen o'their shops;
But the rascals deserve their horns should still grow
For burning the Pope and his nephew, Dildo.
Tom Killigrew's wife, that Holland fine flower,
At the sight of this signior did fart and belch sour,
And her Dutch breeding the further to show,
Says, 'Welcome to England, Mynheer Van Dildo.'
He civilly came to the Cockpit one night,
And proferred his service to fair Madam Knight.
Quoth she, 'I intrigue with Captain Cazzo;
Your nose in mine arse, good Signior Dildo.'
This signior is sound, safe, ready, and dumb
As ever was candle, carrot, or thumb;
Then away with these nasty devices, and show
How you rate the just merit of Signior Dildo.
Count Cazzo, who carries his nose very high,
In passion he swore his rival should die;
Then shut himself up to let the world know
Flesh and blood could not bear it from Signior Dildo.
A rabble of pricks who were welcome before,
Now finding the porter denied them the door,
Maliciously waited his coming below
And inhumanly fell on Signior Dildo.
Nigh wearied out, the poor stranger did fly,
And along the Pall Mall they followed full cry;
The women concerned from every window
Cried, 'For heaven's sake, save Signior Dildo.'
The good Lady Sandys burst into a laughter
To see how the ballocks came wobbling after,
And had not their weight retarded the foe,
Indeed't had gone hard with Signior Dildo.
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Comments
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Fabulous
From guest Scarlet (contact)
OMG on the "facile shallow rubbish" comment. And they say we Americans need things dumbed-down. Obviously such a comment speaks volumes about the writer's total lack of interest in the Restoration period or indeed in her country's history as a whole if she fails to understand fabulously done satirizing on the court of Charles II. Wilmot just didn't pluck names from thin air...these were "real" courtiers who lived about 300 years before the 20th century "invented" "free love". Bed-jumping was a lifestyle in the upper classes of England then & "whore" wasn't even considered much of an insult. Wilmot was brilliant to poke fun at this & imply the services of the randy males were no longer required by the lusty ladies of the court when Signior Dildo came to towm & they therefore took umbrage & ran him out. It's priceless, far from "rubbish"! What were you expecting from a poem with such a name, erotica? -
Incredible use of words
From guest Luciana (contact)
I am amazed by the way he used the language. It's naughty, but so captivating and well written that It certainly deserves a second read in order to truly understand it. -
Wonderful
From guest Cowbag (contact)
Amazing! This man was genious. He would have won me over, yeah baby yeah! -
very provoking!
From guest beca (contact)
I read another of his (Regime de Vivre) and then a short bio on wikipedia, then this one. So funny and clever and yes, rather embarrassing. But isn't that part of his purpose? Satirising and depicting not only his own time and people but the rudeness of human beings generally. He wrote it so long ago and yet porn still exists in various guises and will probably continue to do so, as long as guilt and procreativity are so close. -
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Rubbish
From guest Brenda (contact)
I think this is facile shallow rubbish. I am amzed that so many people find it funny, I just find it a bit sad and childish. -
The Libertine
From guest Jackie (contact)
Lord John Wilmot, 2nd Earl of Rochester did not die over 400 years ago...It will be 329 years this year, I believe. But I understand what you are getting at, Tom. He can't quite keep writing any more works from the grave. Sometimes I question people's knowledge of what they are attempting to unsuccessfully comprehend. If you are a fan of John Wilmot, I would recommend watching "The Libertine" which came out in March 2006 and stars Johnny Depp as the 2nd Earl of Rochester himself. It really is too bad that he earned posthumous critical acclaim for his life's work (even though he was only 33 when he died from syphilis or some other venereal disease). This poet truly drank and debauched his way to an early grave. -
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From guest Tom (contact)
You do all realise that John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester died over 400 years ago, and the chances of him "keeping up the good work" are slim at best? -
hmm....
this is a very interesting story and i haven't any thing like it. Wilmot's words are cunning indeed he can insult anyone without trying and his words flow with grace. I enjoyed it even though it was rather grotesque. -
I do find it humorous, and feel that maybe Wilmot was extremely drunk when he wrote this, and if he wasn't, well, good on him. This was funny and erotic,
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awe! i feel so blessed to have read this. who featured it? because that individual is a GENIUS second only to the author of this fabulous and enjoyable poem! excellent!
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this veyr long, good, and confusing.. I kinda don't understand this, but hey, I don't understand myself so how I expect to understand anything else. well anywho this is a very interesting write and very long... never read a poem this long before... it had a nice story though. well anywho I enjoyed reaidng this. Great job and keep writing.
Heather -
oh my....... i never thought this poem would be in OLD poetry, thought most of this stuff tended to be old and moldy for sure (rofl but a MOLDY Signior Dildo??? oohhhhh i shouldn't a-gone there...) anyway, i couldn't believe my eyes as i read this, and now i've gotta find out just when this was written...
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I'm sorry it's not my bag - I thought some of the rhyming was forced and I lost interest halfway through. Sorry! Everyone else liked it, must be me.
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had me smiling and entranced to the end.you wrote it so well in the style you used ner give a thought to us being confused!
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This was very interesting, strange, odd, and decidely different but delightfully funny. I'm glad someone featured it. I enjoyed reading it.
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It takes a huge understanding of old poetry to write something like this, and something as deep and long too. It's pretty funny too, I don't often read old poetry, but I thought i would go for it, and I congratulate you on such a good write.
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