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I'm subject to colds and they make me quite deaf
And then I can't hear what you say
A fellow once offered to buy me a drink
(I heard that with a cold, by the way)
So we're drinking and talking of women we've known
I described a sweet girl dressed in red
My description was good, and my pal went half mad
It was the girl he was planning to wed!
He said 'I'll punch your head!'
I said 'Whose?' He said 'Yours!'
I said 'Mine?' He said 'Yes!' I said 'Oh?'
He said 'Want a fight?' I said 'Who?' He said 'You!'
I said 'Me?' He said 'Yes!' I said 'No!'
So we then came to words, he said 'You're a cad!'
I said 'Cad?' He said 'Yes!' I said 'Who?'
He said 'Who?' I said 'Yes?' He said 'You!'
I said 'Oh?' So of course then I knew

The day I got married, some years ago,
I'll always remember the scene...
Me and Jim Lowe, married Maudie and Flo
Who were twins sisters and always 'ad been.
We were married alright at quarter past two
But some'ow we must've got mixed...
Jim said, 'Which is mine?' I said, 'Oh, never mind!'
Let's get the blessed thing fixed."
He said, 'Have you married Flo?
I said, 'Flo! I don't know,
But... If I 'ave, you've got one.'
He said, 'I wanted Flo!' I said, ' Oh, is that so?
'Your only chance has just gone.'
He said, 'Did you know... that you'd married Flo?'
I said, 'No... I don't know that I knew.'
He said, 'You've married mine,
'She's got ten thousand pounds!'
I said, ' Well, never mind... she'll do!'

A cruise on the sea is a thing that suits me
And I've done some sailing, it's true
I was at my wits end when setting out from Land's End
One night when I'd had one or two
The captain came out on the bridge and said 'Lads,
We are doomed, the old tub's going down
To the boats every man... except you!' I said 'Me?'
He said 'Yes, there's no room, you must drown'
I said 'Drown?' He said 'Drown! The ship's going down
Don't you stand arguing there!
I've just told you straight, there's no room for you, mate,
In the boats or in fact anywhere.
I know it's upsetting, but what's the use fretting
We might have lost all of the crew
But now, as I say, we can all get away
And only lose one... and that's you!'